Monday, March 12, 2012

Carry me Home Tonight

My husband grabbed the tune for me off Itunes--the whole album, in fact. Thank you. I love you. You make me cry, like most things anymore.

Surgery tomorrow. Have to be at the hospital at 5:45 am. I am so afraid.

We did the day in DC yesterday--a few hours walking around with Charlie, the Wonder-Cairn, who did great. He was calm, he was good, and he was friendly without being obnoxious. We walked his little legs right off. Afterwards, we went to a cemetery in DC, scoping it out, looking at the sections with available plots. No, I haven't got myself in the ground yet, but I need to go into this knowing things are settled, should this go south. Or go Ohio, if that makes y'all feel any better. It's not a great neighborhood (the cemetery, not Ohio), but, since I'm not really looking to LIVE there, I guess that's okay. There's a giant goldfish pond, which is very cool. Magnolias blooming. Amazing upright headstones and crypts. Giant, towering oaks. A good spot for a picnic and a visit.

Tommy planted my Lilies of the Valley the other day--it's a Frank thing, reminds me. Keeps him alive in my heart. Today I planted a few pansies. Just a preview, I hope. Something to get my hands in the dirt and some color in my world.

I don't understand how something can be wrong when I can do so much now. I walked for over three hours yesterday at a good pace for most of it. I rode my recumbent stationary bike for 70 minutes the other day. How can I move so much and so much BETTER and have something wrong? Bodies should come with alarms, something to warn us when those first few rogue cells start working their nardary. Seems stupid that we can feel a sliver but can't feel a tumor until it's in our spine or lungs. "Intelligent" design, my ass.

Just had it out on Facebook with some shallow, insubstantial creature from high school. Amazing, the lack of depth and the sorry-assed high school mentality that some folks drag with them through life. A truly ugly person, and I finally dropped her (I've had her hidden for over a year). I feel better for it, have been long tired of biting my tongue and sitting on my hands to keep from poking her stupid ass. Think a wingnut with peroxide and inflatable breasts. Oh, and lip gloss, of course. Now, empty the cranium of anything useful and fill it with a desire to round up people with dark skin and demand "papers, please!" Add a hatred of our President and a set of impossible standards for him that no republican president would have to meet. Add cowboy boots and a penchant for hitting the clubs with aging ex-jocks and muscular gay teens. Mix in some fake eyelashes and plunging necklines. Gloss it off with a sheen of cold self-satisfaction and a smug claim to Christianity and you've got her.

I am definitely better off without her. I can't help feeling that things are--well, are ONE DAY from going mightily bad, and I'm going to need to find a more peaceful, focused place. I've already gotten there in some ways. Sean's awful noises rarely piss me off anymore. Now? Now I just smile and think, "I am so glad to be here, hearing this."

Cross your fingers or whatevers. Tomorrow's the day, it's the start.

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