Sunday, October 20, 2013

Day After Tomorrow

And it's all I can do to not totally lose cohesion.  My head has felt wrong off and on for a couple of weeks, but starting a few days ago, it became pretty constant.  It's not quite a headache, it's not quite dizziness.  It's a buzzing feeling like pressure.  Think that strange "off" sensation you get when you move your head into an odd position or stand up too quickly.  That weird feeling when you close your eyes, then roll them hard and tense up.  Sort of dizzy.  Sort of stoned.  Sort of painful.  Behind my nose, eyes, and forehead, mostly.  I know, it's probably stress, but there's a voice that whispers "It's spread to your head."

I need an answer.  I need to know what's going on.  And I may not get that answer, come Tuesday.  I may just get a referral to an oncologist.

Which is, in itself, an answer, I suppose.

Going to Shenandoah again today.  Hoping for some fall color.  Can't afford it, doing it anyway, because . . . well, you know.

Doing the obits today, came across a woman who died at my age of cancer.  I may have to hand this task over to someone else until I know what's happening to me.  While it's great that I can shower and cry at the same time (something I already knew from my late teens, but good to know I haven't lost that skill), I'd rather not.  I'd rather be okay.



  1. If all you get is a referral at some distant time in the future, I would get in to see an Oncologist on your own.

    The cost is not worth the pain of having such an unknown.

    Do what you have to. Write a bad check, or put it on a credit card if that is what it takes. You need to know, now!

    Chances are you are OK and this new discomfort is indeed stress, but that is the case, the only thing that will make it go away is knowing.

    Unless you want to be a victim of the system, which I know you do not, stand up for yourself and demand to see someone NOW, not next week, NOW.

    A good ploy for "tricking" the referring doctors into an immediate appointment is to exaggerate your symptoms.
    Are you like me, that when the doctor comes into the exam room and asks how you are, you reply "fine."

    Words are descriptions of reality. Who is to say that your "not quite a headache" can be described as one of the worst headaches you have ever had. It is, because it has caused fear. No "sort of dizzy. Very Very dizzy. Very painful. CRY if you have to, but get that appointment for this week!

    You need to know .

    I've been there. I had cancer so I know how fearful it can be.

    But I do think all will be OK.

  2. Blood sugar issues give me that feeling. When it's low, even if it is not TOO low, I get dizzy, and when I and standing for more than a few minutes, I start to feel like I'm wobbling back and forth, even if I an hanging onto something or leaning on a wall so I know I'm not really wobbly. The headache thing also happens when my sugar is too high, but only if it's REALLY high - over 250 for example. And if it's low, but not too low? Only a real meal makes me feel better, snacking will solve the numbers problem but doesn't make the dizziness go away.
    You probably have a lot of tension in your neck and shoulders, too, try some shrugging and relaxing exercises, and see if anyone will squeeze the muscles for you.

    1. Heather, that was my first thought, but my blood sugar (until this morning) has been pretty normal. This morning, for no apparent reason, I woke up at 156. That's 50+ higher than usual with nothing in my food intake to indicate why. I do the "dawn phenomenon" gig, where I go to bed at 98 and wake up at 110, but I've never done this before, and I wonder if it's yet another stress thing? Another oddity? Normally, if I've done the "dawn phenomenon" thing, the only thing that brings it down is EATING. Seriously, I eat a banana, and two hours later I'm at 98. Four hours later, I'm at 80 or slightly less. Exercise, which usually brings me down sharply, doesn't work with the dawn phenomenon. Except today. Today I climbed on the bike at 156, climbed off an hour later at 82. I'll take it, but I sure do wish I could make sense of it.

  3. Merikay, you give good advice, and I will overstate things to speed the dreadfully slow process. I did try to make a direct appointment with local oncologists, and not one would see me without a referral and a "definitive diagnosis of cancer." So it's all down to tomorrow--either the MRI shows a non-malignant mass (like a lipoma, even though he said it's certainly NOT a lipoma--wouldn't be the first time a doc's told me "oh, it can't be that" only to have it be exactly that), or it shows something either nasty or questionable. Either of those should lead to a biopsy, which should be performed by a doctor experienced in doing core-needle biopsies for suspected malignancies. I'm dreading the "Hey, are you qualified to do this?" discussion, but it WILL happen. I try to calm myself with the knowledge that, while there are a variety of soft-tissue and bone cancers, they're all quite rare, so the ODDS are I don't have a malignancy. That said, I DO have a growing mass in my arm that IS beginning to affect how the arm/wrist feels. And hey, sarcomas may be rare, but SOMEONE'S got to get 'em, right? Why not me?